Jizzuhbell Johnson

Jizzuhbell Johnson

I identify as nonbinary, both in and out of drag. In drag, I primarily go by she/they, and out of drag, I use all pronouns as I believe that we all hold both masculine and feminine energies that can fluctuate throughout our lives. My whole life I have felt this combination of energies and through Queer history research and emerging language/terms I found my way of expressing my identity that best suits my life.

Drag has been and continues to be a healing process for me. I struggle with C-PTSD, ptsd, depression, and probably another diagnosis. My history of trauma clouded my view of myself and how I interacted with not only the world but also with my core self. Drag has given me self-empowerment, a little bit of fake it until you make it, but really, it was a place for me to go that wasn't surrounded by my trauma. For the first time I was able to feel the weight of a life time of trauma(s) lift off of my shoulders. I had this chance to experience life through this alter ego of sorts. Jizzuhbell is powerful, carefree, says what she feels, thinks she's funny, and is kinda pretty. All those things in myself finally had a place to thrive without that inner critic constantly pushing that self-empowerment down. Of course. Through lots of inner work and self-love, I realized that those things jizzuhbell is I am too. Jizzuhbell has been the light at the end of tunnel for my inner children, for that lonely queer kid in grade school waiting for life to end. Jizzuhbell has given those parts confidence, support, visibility, and so much more. Over time, those who fake it until you make it are no longer faking, both in and out of drag.

I grew up in Saginaw, Michigan, during a General Motors industry exit—a survivor of CSA (Childhood sexual abuse). I was always the kid performing for the adults. teaching my younger cousins dance routines and fashion shows. I came out while I was in the 8th grade. There was no hiding or passing for me. I was clocked gay at a young age and at some point realized I could own that in pride, deflating most of the hate spewing at me on a daily basis. My childhood therapist read me passages of queer people from a book I wish I could remember, which helped me come to terms with the questions am I gay or did the abuse make me gay? and is being gay ok? Can gay people have children or live safe, happy lives? Unfortunately, how I came to this portion of life has also become one of the most valuable. Words were not the only weapons used against me, unfortunately. Once, I was pushed down a flight of stairs and then suspended for defending myself; another time, my car windshields were covered in hot wax while I was in class. The culprit was outed to school authority but "there isn't evidence of it being true". I was lucky to have a few good friends, which is why I stayed alive through grade school.

We spent a lot of time at local punk shows and the "edgy" coffee shop in "old town". Observing and interacting with the punk scene and alternative mindsets taught me a lot. I turned to community theater, as my school was too underfunded to have anything but marching band, and found other queer people. I made queer friends two hours away in a less decrepit city. They were my expanding worldview, and I thought there was a safer place for me. How I got where I am today is an intricate web of lived experiences and, most of all, persistence and support. Without the few hands that reached out to me, I would not have had the strength to make it here. Also, my dedication to self-growth and understanding was fuel to see what my next chapters would be.

Currently, my goals revolve around producing drag shows in various forms. I've been working with my drag family for the last few years to create storyline-based shows. We often make our own sets, costumes, and scripts. I've been fortunate enough to have sold out a handful of these productions like "MxMatch A Dating Game Show", "Pride in Oz", and our Johnsons family specials for Halloween and Christmas. While I continue to learn and work on production quality, I have learned so much about organizing, communicating, sewing, show formulas, etc. The best thing I've learned is how capable I am. I believe that whatever I put my mind to, with passion, I can complete, and even if something isn't complete enough for my standards, those little things tend to go unnoticed. I deserve to give myself some grace and the earned pat on the back of accomplishment, even if it is a try and fail situation.

So many from many different places. Before RPDR there was local drag. As a young adult, those Queens in the hole-in-the-wall gay bars inspired me. Funnily enough Insane Clown Posse helped give me; that F*ck it attitude along with all the punks at local shows and major alternative bands. Being an outcast played a huge role; I was already not fitting in, so I leaned as far away from conformity through fashion as I could, often mixing trends by combining Hollister polos with chained tripp pants from Hottopic or just making my own t-shirt designs with wall paint or scrap fabric. I think we all inspire and influence ourselves through lived experience. Much later in life I started listening to a pod cast "Making Gay History", the interviews of our collective queer past are invaluable. Their stories inspired me to keep fighting for myself and my fellow Queers and to be prideful in myself. Selena played a big role in my younger years to pursue passion and performance art, along with pop stars like Britney Spears and Christina. I used to watch the Sunny and Cher show reruns with my mom and fell in love with fashion. Movies like "Romy and Michelle's Highschool reunion", "Shes All That", "Super Star", "Josie and the pussycats", and "Rent", to name a few, really shaped this idea that not expressing yourself authentically leads to more trouble and that life will throw you some nasty curve balls and people but that can be overcome. There is an endless well of people and media that inspired me to be me, and forming a short list is almost impossible. This world is full of muses if you pay close enough attention.

The past and the future. That podcast "making Gay History" gave me examples of how the Queer community comes together and shows up for one another. Even just watching Instagram stories and seeing the mutual aid networks happening. I know my people will persist because we have always stood together.

I've been reflecting on this topic for a while. Inner child work is a long road. I tell my younger selves that it does get better and give them examples of the community future me has made. I tell them of the chosen Family that has gathered into my life. I tell them about the allies standing up for us in the background. I'll let them know just how much love there is in the world for them and that all the hurt is temporary.

 

We are all the same collection of vibrating atoms and have more than enough resources for everyone to live happy, healthy, peacefully, and in balance with the earth.